Write Your Story In Pencil

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Today is Wednesday.

I usually have my blog post thought up, drafted out, sometimes written completely already, proofread, aesthetics added & all by now. But to be honest I was struggling to come up with anything. I have a sacred note on my phone with allll of my “blog thoughts” – every title I’ve thought up, every idea that I’ve wanted to work off of, etc. That I just add to always; in the car, in the gym, in the elevator. It is an absolute gold mind of beautiful thoughts but nothing in there sparked my heart for this week.

I can’t tell you why; there’s a full moon and I was really banking on being more creative. Or intentionally creative. But here we are, on Wednesday, very much so free-styling a blog post.

I think this is all resulting from me coming off of a very high anixiety week. I shared on Instagram (@espressoandfit) about my struggles with anxiety from time to time… But this week was a little weird. I found my heart racing out of my chest more than once a day. My skin all of the sudden becomes this energy point where I direct all of my attention. I couldn’t sit down and focus, make up my mind or be in a good mood.

I just can’t with anxiety. And so I decided; I’m not. I’m just simply not going to have anxiety. I’m not not acknowledging that I have it, or choosing not to deal with it, but I am choosing to not identify with it.

I think more often than not, we’re writing things down in our stories in pen. Not pencil.

When things are happening to us frequently, we start to just identify with those things. We write them in pen.

It’s okay to own your struggle. Or in reverse; own your happiness. But it’s not okay to just accept that life isn’t fluid: that life isn’t subject to change: at any point, for any reason, in any direction.  It’s not okay to fall victim both to our struggles and to being naïve that nothing is guaranteed to stay the same.

So if I were to structure this blog post the way that I usually structure posts; I would theme it: OKAY, I’m doing this right now.

I talk about mindfulness a lot. Partly because of the yoga teacher in me and partly because I struggle to stay present most times. But I’m going to start putting some practices in my life regularly;

  • I want to set an intention BEFORE I start to do anything.

My 9 am walk to starbucks at work will now happen without my phone.

Putting on my makeup in the morning will no longer be out of habit, instead I will recognize how much I love the way each part of my makeup makes me look and feel.

Making my meals will no longer be rushed and (again) out of habit, but I will acknowledge how each food will play a part in fueling my day.

I wont be distracted by this or by that. I will have a conscious thought that OKAY, I’M DOING THIS RIGHT NOW. Whatever that may be. Significant or not.

When I sit down to write, I won’t simoutanously check emails or post content for the social media accounts that I manage. I will set the intention to write and only write.

  • I also have a goal (for this week) to find a space in my home where I can permentantly leave my mat rolled out. Somewhere where I can notice it passing by and take even ten minutes to do something; One headstand, five minutes of breathing, one down dog to stretch the hammys or who knows maybe that will turn into 30 minutes of practice.  With all of the structured intentionalness I talked about setting above, I want a space where I can be free to create.
  • When I journal, I want to write the words slower. Some days I just scribble something down to get something down on paper, but when I look back on those entries they don’t mean anything to me. I want to feel when I write. I don’t want to look back and feel like I’m reading something that someone else wrote. So like my new intention for my yoga practice (move like I’m moving through honey – thanks @findgingmorgantyler) I want to write like I’m writing in honey.
  • I want to live less out of habit and more out of intention; I can’t tell you how many times I lay down at night or am sitting at work and I just start yoga breathing (ujjayi)… You would think that’s a good thing but because I do yoga so much, it has become a simple habit. I don’t notice it until after I’m already doing it. I am not intnetionl about it and therefore it isn’t helping me accomplish anything because I didn’t intend for it to.

So here’s to being more intentional, to writing our stories in pencil (not pen), to soaking in life more & to finding a place to (always) practice yoga.

Love,

Espresso&Fit

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